I began receiving my unemployment benefits this week. I still haven’t decided if it makes me feel any better. I mean it should right, that if all else fails and I am thrifty as hell, I can play the bills and live all by myself if need be. What that actually means is that I can support others. That is what is has been for the last 5.5 years. Me supporting others. Even when I was broke, living in the trailer, I still found a way to pay the bills. Why am I such a sucker? Why am I in the shitty relationship that has sucked the life out of me? I often think of this poem that I used to teach my 6th graders…
by Judith Viorst:
Paula is the prettiest — the whole sixth grade agrees. Jean’s the genius — that is undeniable, Most popular is Amy. Most admired is Louise. But as for me, they say I’m most . . .reliable. Lisa’s the best listener — she always lends an ear. And all the boys say Mel’s the most desirable. Gwen’s the giggliest — but everybody thinks that’s dear. Who thinks it’s dear to be the most reliable? Jody and Rebecca tie for cleverest. Marie Is best at sports (and also most perspirable). Cathy is the richest — she’s been saving since she’s three. But who’ll save me from being most reliable? I’d rather be most mischievous. I’d rather be most deep. I’d rather — and I’ll swear this on a Bible — Be known as most peculiar. Nothing puts the world to sleep Like someone who is known as most reliable.
Honestly, this sits in the back of my head. I’ve always wanted to be something different from what I am. I feel like there is a block in my brain and I just can’t figure out how to move past it. Maybe it’s time I try psychedelics again and see if that helps me open it up. I live in a constant state of fear. Will my stomach act up while I’m out and will I have to find a public bathroom on the fly because I’m about to shit my pants? Will I be able to reach/wipe my ass from said public bathroom? Yea, that’s a real fucking thing. Will my knee give out and I fall to the ground and then I can’t walk at all? Will I be able to find gluten free food? Will I have enough money for the things I need or heaven forbid things that I want? Will I be able to walk from the car to the store? Inside the store? or where ever it is I thought about going to? Will I be able to find parking close enough to where I want to go? Will there be people there that want things from me? Will I be able to enjoy my experience even though I am psychotically questioning every detail? Will I be able to leave quickly if any of the above is an issue or I begin having a panic attack? This is my fucking life now. I just keep waiting for the big picture, how am I going to lose the weight, how do I become more active? I don’t know if anyone understands really how unstable I am, both physically and mentally. It doesn’t matter because no one actually gives a shit.
I want a liquid IV food bag. Something. I want it measured out and programmed. Is this even a thing? I don’t want to have to eat food anymore. Yet as I write this, I am hungry and thinking about what I can make to eat. Food is my enemy. I’m not even that bad at it. I feel like I have given up so much already in this stupid life that I shouldn’t have to give up cheese and rice too. People want to offer their advice, their “help.” A housemate wants to go walk with me, but I can’t think of anything more humiliating then making it down to the end of the street and having to turn back home because it is too much for me. To share that experience with a dude I live with would just be so humiliating. I’m going to buy some damn shoes later today. Hopefully. If I can manage to leave the house. I mean I went to a workshop yesterday morning on resumes which I have to do to retain my unemployment, and I went to the bank to deposit said unemployment, and then I got gas. I circled the library several times thinking that I would just park somewhere and go in and check it out, but for whatever reason the parking lot was closed and I wasn’t feeling the whole walking from I don’t know where to I don’t know where thing. Maybe today I will go. Maybe today, now that there is money, I will go buy some shoes to help me walk better and also some new glasses, and maybe try the library again.
I’ll be going back to the Dr. in a few weeks. I know she gave me Welbutrin to start after I was finally detoxed from the Effexor. I only went on the Effexor for the Fibromyalgia. I don’t want to take another mindfuck pill. I need to stop the pain and lessen the load.
How did I get here?
I don’t know. I need help. I’m miserable and depressed, in constant pain, riddled with anxiety, unemployed, in a loveless, sexless and feelingless relationship and over 400lbs.
Isn’t that a pretty picture?