So many things have happened lately. Everyone is doing their own cool things, and here I am being a pre-existing condition with invisible illnesses. I am in this endless loop it seems. I am fatter than I have ever been; the kind of fat that people stare and point at. The kind of fat from which memes are made. I don’t eat poorly, I never eat fast food, hell I’m allergic to gluten… but I can’t do anything. My back hurts, my knees hurt, my shoulders hurt, neck, feet, skin, you name it. I was on meds for this, but it was an anti-depressant and I didn’t feel it was doing anything, but I guess it was. I thought it made my head worse, but maybe I was slightly saner. I don’t really know. How am I to really scientifically know if I am crazy. Seems silly. I do know I go through bouts of depression that are sometimes so bad that I want to die. That’s not all the time though. I have more anxiety than depression it seems and the anxiety is the thing I can’t stop. It takes me down to a really bad place where I just don’t think I can go any further.
I am in more pain now than ever, and now that I don’t have a job and my insurance is ending, I am kind of freaking out about it. The more I freak out the worse it gets. The anxiety over takes me and I feel like I just can’t go on. Like I don’t want to go on, especially in the form I am in. I feel like I am a burden on society, on my family, on my housemates, on future employers, on friends, on my dog even. I often feel like the world would be a much better place without me in it and maybe I should just let the diseases over take me. I always feel like whatever is bothering me must be some catastrophic thing, because it always has been in the past, and honestly this is a lot of fucking pain. I need a person. A person that gives a shit about me, a person that will take me outside and walk down the block with me and come back because that’s all I can handle. A person that will help me make meals that are appropriate for weight loss, Celiac friendly, sans all the weird things I avoid because they make me feel like I’m going to shit my pants all day, and not laden with butter and oil because I can’t really cook for myself because it hurts too much. I mean seriously, it’s that bad. I have to sit down in between cutting fruit for a smoothie. I literally can’t stand up for more than a minute. The pain is so bad if makes me weak and I feel like I am going to fall over. I need a person. A person to care. A person to be here. A person to help me with my life. A person who doesn’t judge. I’m just real fucking tired of being me. I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to work anywhere, I don’t want to go into stores, I can’t travel, I barely fit in my car and I would need to buy two motherfuckin plane tickets because of my fat self. I just feel shitty all around. I think about all the people going to Rainbow this summer and how I will be here, being a shut-in because I can’t even walk 20 feet down a trail, or squat to use a shitter and walk to the shitter 6 times a day because that’s what my stupid digestive system does to me, especially in the woods where it knows my body can’t walk that much. I mean for fucks sake. I am out here on the west coast which is good, but I am here with all of these people who go to Rainbow and don’t understand why it’s so hard for me and why I can’t go. I am fucking broken. That is it. Just broken. You know how I fixes it last time? $65 a week in dr. visits and appetite suppressants, vitamin B shots once a week, 10 oz of lean protein a day and 4 servings of certain veg and fruits totaling about 2 cups worth. I mean, that was it. And I was going to a gym when I could. Now… I can barely walk. Now I would just like to be able to walk. I just want to live a quasi-normal life. The self-loathing is really hard for a person that tries to help others as their chosen profession. I wish I had a person here. A person that I chose and they chose me too that has nothing to do with Rainbow or my “profession”; a cultivated friendship, a soulmate, someone who understands that this isn’t me and can help me find the me in all of this mess.