Find the me in the Mess.

So many things have happened lately.  Everyone is doing their own cool things, and here I am being a pre-existing condition with invisible illnesses.  I am in this endless loop it seems.  I am fatter than I have ever been; the kind of fat that people stare and point at.  The kind of fat from which memes are made.  I don’t eat poorly, I never eat fast food, hell I’m allergic to gluten… but I can’t do anything.  My back hurts, my knees hurt, my shoulders hurt, neck, feet, skin, you name it.  I was on meds for this, but it was an anti-depressant and I didn’t feel it was doing anything, but I guess it was.   I thought it made my head worse, but maybe I was slightly saner.  I don’t really know.  How am I to really scientifically know if I am crazy.  Seems silly.  I do know I go through bouts of depression that are sometimes so bad that I want to die.  That’s not all the time though.  I have more anxiety than depression it seems and the anxiety is the thing I can’t stop.  It takes me down to a really bad place where I just don’t think I can go any further.

I am in more pain now than ever, and now that I don’t have a job and my insurance is ending, I am kind of freaking out about it.  The more I freak out the worse it gets.  The anxiety over takes me and I feel like I just can’t go on.  Like I don’t want to go on, especially in the form I am in.  I feel like I am a burden on society, on my family, on my housemates, on future employers, on friends, on my dog even.  I often feel like the world would be a much better place without me in it and maybe I should just let the diseases over take me.  I always feel like whatever is bothering me must be some catastrophic thing, because it always has been in the past, and honestly this is a lot of fucking pain.  I need a person.  A person that gives a shit about me, a person that will take me outside and walk down the block with me and come back because that’s all I can handle.  A person that will help me make meals that are appropriate for weight loss, Celiac friendly, sans all the weird things I avoid because they make me feel like I’m going to shit my pants all day, and not laden with butter and oil because I can’t really cook for myself because it hurts too much.  I mean seriously, it’s that bad.  I have to sit down in between cutting fruit for a smoothie.  I literally can’t stand up for more than a minute.  The pain is so bad if makes me weak and I feel like I am going to fall over.  I need a person.  A person to care.  A person to be here.  A person to help me with my life.  A person who doesn’t judge.  I’m just real fucking tired of being me.  I don’t want to go anywhere, I don’t want to work anywhere, I don’t want to go into stores, I can’t travel, I barely fit in my car and I would need to buy two motherfuckin plane tickets because of my fat self.  I just feel shitty all around.  I think about all the people going to Rainbow this summer and how I will be here, being a shut-in because I can’t even walk 20 feet down a trail, or squat to use a shitter and walk to the shitter 6 times a day because that’s what my stupid digestive system does to me, especially in the woods where it knows my body can’t walk that much.  I mean for fucks sake.  I am out here on the west coast which is good, but I am here with all of these people who go to Rainbow and don’t understand why it’s so hard for me and why I can’t go.  I am fucking broken.  That is it.  Just broken.  You know how I fixes it last time?  $65 a week in dr. visits and appetite suppressants, vitamin B shots once a week, 10 oz of lean protein a day and 4 servings of certain veg and fruits totaling about 2 cups worth.  I mean, that was it.  And I was going to a gym when I could. Now… I can barely walk.  Now I would just like to be able to walk.  I just want to live a quasi-normal life.  The self-loathing is really hard for a person that tries to help others as their chosen profession.  I wish I had a person here.  A person that I chose and they chose me too that has nothing to do with Rainbow or my “profession”; a cultivated friendship,  a soulmate, someone who understands that this isn’t me and can help me find the me in all of this mess.

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