This last year has been a real hot mess. I don’t know what happened. I could blame it on jobs and the the three that I have lost in the last year, or I could blame it on medical stuff that began, well really, has always been there, but since I fell and broke my everything at the house in the middle of nowhere just before I lost job #2, or that being unemployed causes me great anxiety, or that time I almost dies from the DVT/PE after my last cross country trip. I don’t even know anymore. I knew I was miserable in Florida and I was unhappy being a teacher there. I went out on an adventure that brought me to medical MJ farming in California and when I could no longer stand living in squalor I decided to try teaching again. And that, brings me here… to the loss of a the 3rd job and a completely different state, not teaching. I thought I was supposed to make a difference in this world. I think I must have already done it because nothing is fitting. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I can’t think of a job I would like to have that my body can handle.
Oh yea… my body. WTF? My back hurts so bad most days that I can barely walk. Going to the grocery store even gives me anxiety because I know I don’t have enough stamina to walk around and pick out all the weird things that I want/need. My stomach just fucking hates me, like no joke. So already I can’t have the gluten because I have Celiac Disease and that would just cause major havoc, but I am so fat I just can’t stand it anymore and I want to eat all the vegetables and fruits, but that causes a huge uproar in the intestinal department. I need to be way more active, but everything hurts so bad. My knees are in a real bad way, my shoulders and other joints aren’t far behind. This is probably the fattest I’ve ever been, like people pointing and making memes of me fat. I mean if I saw me, that’s what I would do. I wouldn’t be able to look me in the eye. I live in constant fear that the DVT/PE is back and I am just gonna die, and then the other half of the time I just want to die because I have no quality of life. I am afraid of getting jobs because I can barely walk anymore. I don’t want people to look at me. I don’t want to leave the house because I feel so gross. I don’t know how to fix my head, my body or my soul anymore, so how in the hell can I be expected to help anyone else.
Maybe today was a little bit better. I planted some stuff. No one watched me do it. No one was there, no one pointed and I got it done. It wasn’t a lot, but I was outside in the yard and was slightly active. I am really hoping this unemployment thing works out for me and they start sending me money because I don’t know what will happen if they don’t. I am thankful that I was at least approved for the Oregon Health Plan and will still be able to see my doctor that I just started seeing. It took 3 months for the insurance to kick in and over a month to get my first appointment and then the next month… fired. Ugh. And, if was partially for medical crap that I was fired. I mean really, I feel like I’ve lost the game in a big way.
As I write this Pandora plays this song and so I feel I must share.