The Tough Stuff.

This last year has been a real hot mess.  I don’t know what happened.  I could blame it on jobs and the the three that I have lost in the last year, or I could blame it on medical stuff that began, well really, has always been there, but since I fell and broke my everything at the house in the middle of nowhere just before I lost job #2, or that being unemployed causes me great anxiety, or that time I almost dies from the DVT/PE after my last cross country trip.  I don’t even know anymore.  I knew I was miserable in Florida and I was unhappy being a teacher there.  I went out on an adventure that brought me to medical MJ farming in California and when I could no longer stand living in squalor I decided to try teaching again.  And that, brings me here… to the loss of a the 3rd job and a completely different state, not teaching.  I thought I was supposed to make a difference in this world.  I think I must have already done it because nothing is fitting.  I don’t know what I want to do with my life.  I can’t think of a job I would like to have that my body can handle.

Oh yea… my body.  WTF?  My back hurts so bad most days that I can barely walk.  Going to the grocery store even gives me anxiety because I know I don’t have enough stamina to walk around and pick out all the weird things that I want/need.  My stomach just fucking hates me, like no joke.  So already I can’t have the gluten because I have Celiac Disease and that would just cause major havoc, but I am so fat I just can’t stand it anymore and I want to eat all the vegetables and fruits, but that causes a huge uproar in the intestinal department.  I need to be way more active, but everything hurts so bad.  My knees are in a real bad way, my shoulders and other joints aren’t far behind.  This is probably the fattest I’ve ever been, like people pointing and making memes of me fat.  I mean if I saw me, that’s what I would do.  I wouldn’t be able to look me in the eye. I live in constant fear that the DVT/PE is back and I am just gonna die, and then the other half of the time I just want to die because I have no quality of life.  I am afraid of getting jobs because I can barely walk anymore.  I don’t want people to look at me.  I don’t want to leave the house because I feel so gross.  I don’t know how to fix my head, my body or my soul anymore, so how in the hell can I be expected to help anyone else.

Maybe today was a little bit better.  I planted some stuff.  No one watched me do it.  No one was there, no one pointed and I got it done.  It wasn’t a lot, but I was outside in the yard and was slightly active.  I am really hoping this unemployment thing works out for me and they start sending me money because I don’t know what will happen if they don’t.  I am thankful that I was at least approved for the Oregon Health Plan and will still be able to see my doctor that I just started seeing.  It took 3 months for the insurance to kick in and over a month to get my first appointment and then the next month… fired.  Ugh.  And, if was partially for medical crap that I was fired.  I mean really, I feel like I’ve lost the game in a big way.

As I write this Pandora plays this song and so I feel I must share.



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