Is it my circus, and they are my monkeys!

This has been quite the busy week or so.  The circus came to town so to speak.  A friend has been in Portland while her boyfriend has been in the hospital with a flesh eating virus.  He has had 6 surgeries already.  His mom came to town via the train and she and my friend have been living in her van in the hospital parking lot.  They were in town this week for van repairs and clearly I had them here.  Another friend of my partner showed up looking for a ride to Rainbow, and he stayed the week.  Then a van with 2 dudes I know and three I didn’t.  One of them left, and on the last day they were here, one more arrived.  Then a school bus showed up with 4 friends and the following morning I picked up a guy at the shamehound station.  Most of those people left the same day.  Some did laundry, some took showers, all smoked weed.  Ha!  So, some helped clean up and some made more messes, either way I think if I spend the rest of the summer cleaning it still won’t be clean around here.  Either way, some interesting stories were share.  We tried to start a Rainbow Rumor that the gathering would be in Washington.  There was the story of the guy at work 9000 ft. in the air wearing a wookie costume, and that wasn’t even the point of the story. There were definitely some laughs.  Everyone was kind and courteous and respectful.

This week I also discovered the greatest thing ever!  Online grocery ordering from Fred Meyer.  OMG I hate grocery shopping.  I have such anxiety about grocery shopping.  Anyway, I picked out what I wanted online and set the pick up time and then the next day I drove to the store, they came out to my car, loaded the groceries and I drove away.  Holy crap that was the greatest thing ever.  It is free the first 3 times you use it and then like 5 bucks after that.  Seriously, saved me from a major freak-out.

Went to a dispensary today… can’t think anymore.  Time for ice cream.

Daily word: Distant

via Daily Prompt: Distant

This word speaks to me.  The person I chose to spend my life with… I would use the word DISTANT to describe.  So far away, yet so close.  And now that he is leaving to be physically distant for a month or so, I feel weird about it.  Part of me really likes these alone times, but part of me is afraid.  Afraid that I will be here all alone and no one will know if something happens to me.  I hope I find enough things to keep me occupied that my thoughts don’t spiral out of control.

I feel like everyone in my life is distant, whether is be actual location, as most of the people in my close inner circle are thousands of miles away, and the ones that are close in proximity are distant in actions and words.  It makes me feel separated from life.

Life, Rainbow and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Everyone is gearing up and readying themselves for the upcoming Annual Rainbow Gathering.  Fortunately, we made the decision to move to Oregon this year, and that just happens to be where the gathering will take place.  It won’t be anywhere near where I live, but this has been a good stopping point for travelers.  In the last week we have had 11 people and all the critters in the house and camper, plus a few daytime visitors that didn’t stay the night.  Two of whom were old dudes that insisted upon talking about gang banks and orgies at a particular regional gathering with many people I would consider close friends.  Gross.  I mean really, I just don’t understand I guess.  Part of me wishes that I had a different life and was in a different body that people would want to touch, and that opportunities like that appeared to me.  Maybe I’m jealous, maybe I’m just asexual, I really think I am pan sexual, at least that’s how I feel in my head, but I am stuck.  Stuck with the Dude that hasn’t had real sex with me since a gathering more than 3 years ago.  And even the non-intercourse agenda is pretty much few and far between.  Then again, part of that is because he is just gross most of the time.  I don’t know if he has brushed his teeth in years, and the lack of soap usage in his life is just really comical at this point,  I wish we had people that I was closer with, I wish I was able to go to the gathering.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but today is the next in a series of doctor appointments to figure it out.  I’ll be here… feeding the chickens, watering the garden, and trying to make some lifestyle changes.  I woke up today in the worst pain.  Anyway, this isn’t about me, well sort of anyway.  So the dude leaves tomorrow and is taking a housemate with him.  I could say I hope he does this or doesn’t do that, but honestly I’d be surprised if he’s do anything different than he’s done in past years.  I hope he has fun, but not too much fun, ya know? I just don’t know what to say about it with the current state of things.  It hasn’t been good, but it certainly hasn’t been the worst.  I just don’t have any feelings, I don’t know what I will do tomorrow, or the next day or the following week and for whatever reason my brain is saying that’s not OK. The housemates upstairs are going to leave early next week, so I will essentially be here alone.  In reality, probably not though.  Last summer was shady, I’m not really proud of what I did, just testing waters really.  This summer is different, I really feel old and broken.  Maybe next year I will be in better shape and be able to go, but at the same time, part of me is like fuck Rainbow.  Although, next year it could be way far away and I won’t be able to go, so am I missing an opportunity here?  I just can’t even with the pain.  well whatever, it is what it is.  I need to eat some food and then go wash my everything, as I have to go have an inside inspection and it was yak shaving day and I’m covered in hair.  Peace, love and light to my fellow Rainbow Family Members.  Lovin you, huffin glue, puppy stew and all that.

I’ve given you my everything.

You just take and take and take.  I have nothing to show for the last 5+ years except scars, fat, pain and anger.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  Why did I let this happen.  I have lost all friends because of you, even ones I met because of you.  I am far away from any one single person that actually gives a shit about me.  I have supported you like a fucking moronic dumbass.  I guess that’s what I am.  It would be one thing if this hadn’t fucking happened before.  At least before I still had friends.  I still had my family.  I have my family now, they are just so far away.  Like over 3,000 miles far.  You have sucked the life out of me and I just let it happen like some kind of fool.  You have taken advantage of me more times than I can count.  What happens when the day comes that I don’t wake up, or you come home and I am no longer here?  What is keeping me here?  Currently, the unemployment and free car insurance are keeping me here.  Also how about the deals you made where now I am forced to be here and take care of all the things because you made a deal.  Of course I would still be here to care for the chickens, and my garden, but the assumption you made that I would do all this other stuff… what do I get out of it?  You wasting your money and taking mine? In the end, nothing really matters but you, and how you brought all of this stuff to “feed the homeless”  for “the family” you know what you do all of this shit for?  It so people can tell you how great you are, how amazing you are, how fabulous everything is, how they don’t know how they have lived their life without whatever it is that you have… and the only reason why you have anything at all including a vehicle and a home is because I had to take care of us.  I went on this adventure and then you began ignoring me, you because treating me like I was a burden, then I got really sick and now I really am your burden, except my money pays for your fun, you accolades.  There is no quality left in our relationship.  I am glad you’re leaving for Rainbow.  I don’t want you to call me and tell me horrible things, I don’t want you to call me and tell me what I am missing out on, and I certainly don’t want you using my bank card. I have to figure out how to pay the rent, utilities, insurance and the other bills while you’re out talking shit and getting worshiped by wingnuts.  Oh and I’m sure you’ll bring home like 15 people for me to figure out where to put.  FUCK!!!!!

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